queer gaze and identity politics. a short rant.

genderqueer, non-binary, agender, non-gender, neutrois, genderneutral…

why is it so often that these terms are so appealing to people with a/n androgyn / masculine gender performance or people who want to transgress their (former) „female“ appearance („female“ in eyes of others) and/or „female at birth“ status and/or their falsely defined status as „woman“? why is it seldom seen or recognized, that people with a feminine gender performance (in the eyes of others) or queer femininities use these terms for themselves? who is forced into what terms describing gender performance/expression/identity because of what gender performance/expression?

today is trans*march in berlin and i have been asking myself for a long time, if i could run this event as a subject of trans*_politics or an ally to trans*politics and why do i even (have to) distinguish between the two? and why does it even matter for me?

i get angry when i’m forced into a cis label, because i do not use the terms above or trans* or others, even though i don’t consider myself a woman or because i don’t out myself all the time as a non-woman in front of others. but i do know, that i sometimes profit from a system, that only knows two genders and force people into violent conditions to live their identity. i do know that sometimes it is a relief to be mis_gendered as woman and having the chance to vanish, not causing a fuzz because people wouldn’t suggest i’m not a woman, when they see me. but i experience gender based violence, in mis_gendering, in called a dyke, a cunt, in staring at me and analyzing my gender performance, deciding whether i’m human or not, in irritating, in threatening me with violence, in confronting me with heteronormativity 24/7, in not taking into account what my living conditions and my wishes for life are because i don’t consider myself a woman.

i get angry when i’m forced into a cis label, because i prefer to call myself … or not call myself anything in terms of gender. i get angry, when i’m forced into a cis label, because my identities didn’t count as gender identities. (because sexuality/desire has nothing to do with gender??? haha, ask the heteronormative system. when you’re a not a white heterosexual woman, then you are not considered a woman_human at all. i could write a book about how heteronormativity changed and shaped the way i want to look, to behave, to identity, to desire, to define myself. and if you’re not labeling yourself as the known gender transgressive terms, in fact you must be one of these old-fashioned and terribly mainstream-ly trans*phobic woman-loving-woman thingies…how bad for you, not to be that fancy modern queer person…how bad for you that i decide who i am, whom i relate to, who i do not/want to fuck with, how my politics look like, you ignorant and sexist prick?! what kind of fuckery is this to belittle someone for being /maybe/ privileged?!)

i get angry when i’m forced to out myself, when i don’t want to be forced into a cis label, because i do not refer to the known gender transgressive terms to describe my living, myself. or when the cis/trans binary is the only line, on which it is decided if you experience gender based violence or not. proof my identity as „belong into“ with my experiences in front of others. like it’s 2004 and i’m shamed in front of a bunch of classmates for kissing a girl the other night. cis as a term for „only privileged“.

i think i’ve missed the point, when violence and discrimination became a desired identity, muffled with fame, glitter and authority to speak for everyone else. i think i’ve missed the point, when not experiencing (some forms of) violence and discrimination means a bad thing, to be ashamed of, to feel guilty about, to want it go away, to be one of the enemies, rather not talk about it, to increase the wish to be marginalized. i’m happy about every little privileged aspect of my life, because i can’t even imagine how to cope with more bullshit i have to cope with already. because it never came to my mind to idealize/romanticize the oppression of others.

i get angry when i realize that i could easily use one of these known terms and not even be questioned about it in the queer_feminist scenes i live in. and other persons would, if they do so. they are not given flyers for femme events, for the trans* march, because they do not „look“ like…
they are labeled as femmes and/or trans* because they do „look“ like…
i get angry when people don’t consider to fill some labels with their own ideas, drags and bodies and looks and politics, to use them as empowerment, because they are already been occupied by normative ideas, symbols, politics and pictures (mostly invented by white_ablebodied people who have the power to define). i get angry when people have to push their own ideas, drags and bodies and looks and politics, their empowerment, into labels mostly invented/appropriated by white_ablebodied people who have the power to define, to get recognized, to be someone name-able and respectable.

i’m so sick of all the queer gaze and identity politics, re-inforcing and holding up sexist_racist_ableist standards, celebrating them as progressive and transgressive. when profits and privileges don’t have a name anymore because you are/label yourself as … and that’s why you can’t be one of those silly allies, blamed for not fulfilling the standards of solidarity, accountability, responsibility. because we do that already because we are …

because we are … we don’t have to liberate ourselves (together). others have to. and how dare they not to, as we want to. as we decide to, because we are …

because we are … we don’t have to proof with our actions, just with our labels.